Tuesday 30 June 2009

My boy done good.

Just a quick mention in passing to my main man Rob who graduated last week. We're very proud of you Robbie.

Here he is, mincing around.



He's the best mincer. Good work brother.

The choads that goad

I reckon Scottish Stevie might have just eaten a big slice of pecan pie, and English Glen is probably glibly talking at Neil about how great a particular Mountain Dew flavour is. Back here it's 10:52 PM BST. No matter what they've done today I know it will have been better than this:



Day 2- Ft. Myers

Our first full day and so far, it has not disappointed.

An early start and the body clocks have adjusted. We breakfast on sultana bran (sultanas coated in sugar) and peanut butter with toast (the extra sugar in the PB is noticeable. This was smooth, but the sugar made it almost crunchy, swear to god). Oh, and fresh mango. Dot's house has a mango tree. And an avocado tree.

So first up, Ft. Myers beach.





Scottish boys on the beach lasted about 45 minutes. I mean, it was hot.

By the point we had fried it was totally lunch time. Thankfully, just off the beach was a Dairy Queen Grill and Chill.



THE FIRST FAST FOOD STOP OF THE TOUR! Lucky, lucky DQ.

Here's how it went. Steve went first, and Steve took it easy. An Original Cheeseburger and a soda (Moutain Dew, then Dr. Pepper). Neil, a Bacon Cheddar Grillburger Combo meal, with Mountain Dew. I sprung for a Double Grillburger Combo Meal. It looked like this...



I mixed and matched with the sodas. I had like a half cup of Sierra Mist, a little bit of Minute Maid Lemonade, and then about a half cup of Mountain Dew. Very, very refreshing. Here's how the experience looked...





Here was the view from our seat (windowless of course, which was a fantastic extra, but the wind picked up towards the end and the boxes started to fly, not so great.)



We have all agreed that the food was totally awesome. The burgers were simple, with mustard, ketchup and wonderfully crunchy pickle. The fries were well salted and well cooked, crispy but not overdone, and very tasty. We didn't spring for dessert because the choice wasn't up to the usual DQ standard, but we were all satisfied anyway. A very good fast food experience.


Job done.

After the beach, we went to Target. We bought toothpaste, Listerine, deodorant, etc. etc. Neil had big expectations and thought he was going to buy a lot. He bought a pack of Orbit. He is still pretty unhappy about the whole thing. I bought a cap. It is the best cap.



After superTarget, we crossed the road and went to the biggest liquor store that we've ever, ever seen. Like... jesus. They have everything you could ever imagine. I don't know anything about wine, but they had all the wine, they had types of beer that we've never even heard of (San Miguel Dark! Dark!), and like 8 different varieties of Kahlua!

Here's a photo of Steve walking thru the store, just to give you a sense of how damned big this thing was.



And here is Scottish Steve and Neil standing in the fridge room at the back, which had kegs ready to go, massive cases of all the main beers, plus all the plastic cups and ice that the whole planet could ever need. Remember, this room is refrigerated.



This was all a little too much for us, so we went home. To the pool. Where we drank beer. And it rained



So far so good. Big love from the FFT Crew. Hope the hospital was fun today, Mike.

Monday 29 June 2009

Day 1- Ft. Myers, FL.

We have arrived.







Left Neil's in a taxi at 4:30 AM BST, arrived in Miami Int'l at 8PM BST, or 3PM EST. Our boy Johnny picked us up, taught us some life lessons, and drove us to Ft. Myers. We're shattered. Dot made us a great dinner of spaghetti and meatballs, we had a few beers, watched some baseball, and have retired to bed. Hopefully we get up normal time tomorrow and we're ready to roll.

Tomorrow... the beach, and Wal Mart.

Oh yeah, no time to grab awesome stuff yet today, but I had a Sunkist and Steve had a Mtn Dew, and we were both so very, very happy.

Saturday 27 June 2009

Scottish Stevie's VideoBlog #2


(Posted courtesy of Mike.)

Sunday 14 June 2009

Putting the FUN back into Fast Food

The gang here at FFT09 were all exposed to the fruits of the American Dream during our formative years. To say this had whet our appetites would be an understatement (Re: That epic Mountain Dew post below). The problem/infuriating aspect of our special situation - living in Britain 98% of the time - is that we are extremely limited in our choice of fast food. The monotony of McDonald's, Burger King, KFC & Subway (In my opinion the only chains to really get a grip over here...) means now, at age 22, treating myself to junk food has more often than not become an act of desperation or drunken error. That is to say, the fun has been removed from the exercise.

Scottish Steve & English Glen post-bucket in Preston (Britain's 1st KFC)

Excitement about FF was a thing of the past for me. Though my first meal at the pleasure of the Colonel came late in life (See picture above, aged 20), 2 years on and even that experience has dried up, like the bottom of the bucket piece nobody really wants.

What we needed was a wake up call; a glimmer of what could be; and a return to innocent anticipation for the, colourful, sugar-coated (often literally), joy the best FF delivers.


What we got was equal parts luck and mystery (The strange ability of my dad to turn up a nugget of gold from even the most stagnant stream goes way beyond good fortune). On a trip to Wembely (Wembely na na!) we settled on staying in a cheap, and therefore poorly situated, Travelodge in Enfield, London (See picture right: typical scene from Enfield)

During a forray for some eats on our first night in the famous old borough we stumbled on something truly exciting. The sign caught our eye. Could it be? Really? No, surely not. It was.

Tucked away in this little corner of the worst kind of suburbia was a Krispy Kreme outlet. Hallelujah! Salvation in 15 varieties (think double this once we get stateside boys).

Krispy Kreme, Enfield.

The Krispy Kreme brand has been making exceptional donuts for over 70 years and now boasts an enviable selection of almost 30 varieties. The real key to their success though is down to fundamentals. They stick to the tried and tested. Chocolate, cinnamon and of coarse their famous original glaze dominate the menu. Where they differentiate themselves from the crowd is with their selection of creme filled donuts. Silky smooth and delightful.

Then there are my personal favourites. It is those little experimental donuts that really tick my boxes. The mighty 'Maple-glazed' is sensational (just close your eyes and think of England) while the Raspberry-filled takes one of my favourite flavours and stuffs it inside a yeast raised shell slathered in that unmatched glaze. Whooft!

The quality of the product would be worthy of mention (and consumption - oh you know it's gonna be a regular) alone, but KK is more than that to me. It represents the reignition of embers which were on the blink. The rediscovery of the youthful enthusiasm which would spark countless conversations about where our road trip would take us, what we would do and definitely where we would eat.

English Glen & Scottish Steve after flipping the lid on a dozen of KK's finest

The weeks to come will surely be filled with moments of magic to match that day in Enfield when the logo and the glaze brought a little Americana to north London. 14 days until tour. Bring it on.


Friday 12 June 2009

Reasons We Love America: Episode 37- Mountain Dew

There are few things on this planet which I am as passionate about as I am Mountain Dew. I have only a limited memory of Mountain Dew in the UK, I believe I was around 9 years old when it was introduced, and full sugar sodas held little weight in the Christie Household. To this day, the fridge at home is under-stocked in the carbonated beverage dept., it's often Pepsi Max or nothing. I'll take nothing, by the way.

I became aware of Mountain Dew on family trips to visit mother's best friend Dorothy, resident of Ft. Myers, FL. who will be the first FFT09 host this summer. In her garage, was my favourite fridge. Lovingly stocked and tended to by her husband William, this fridge was home to, in my memory at least, every single drink known to man. Bill's drink of choice in the evenings was Mountain Dew and white rum. I was never offered any rum, but the Mountain Dew captivated my little soul.

These days i'll grab a Mountain Dew whenever the opportunity presents itself, which is not very often. Sometimes a quirky store somewhere will stock a few cans. At least twice in high school, a few friends and I would chip in and get a case delivered. When mother makes the odd trip to Boston for business, my only request is that she brings home a small bottle of Mountain Dew: Code Red, a cherry flavoured Mountain Dew, which I find goes down particularly well with Southern Comfort.

This summer, I plan on making myself physically sick on this Nectar of the Gods. Here I present the nine Mountain Dew varieties we at FFT09 are most excited about pouring down our gullets.

9- Mountain Dew


Your bog-standard, garden-variety Mountain Dew. A wholly unnatural shade of green, packed with high fructose corn syrup and 'yellow 5' (AKA tartrazine lol) , you know what you get with plain ol' Mountain Dew.

8- Mountain Dew Throwback


This earns the number 8 spot above regular MD simply because it has yet to be sampled. Introduced this year, Throwback uses the old-skool classic MD logo, replaces the HFCS with regular sugar, and leaves out the orange juice. Very exciting, an MD can with the logo to match my Mountain Dew t shirt.

Tied 7- Mountain Dew Game Fuel Horde Red and Mountain Dew Game Fuel Alliance Blue


Hm. Unsure here. Two 'World Of Warcraft' promotional MDs. I'm unsure mainly because of the WoW connection, because we have absolutely no time for this shit, unless it's youtube videos of people trashing 'real life' WoW funerals*, or LEEEEEROYYYYYY JENKINNNNNNS. Nonetheless, they can't be written off, with either a 'cherry-citrus' flavor, or wild berry. And in keeping with the dorky-as-fuck lifestyle of WoW users, it's jam-packed with caffeine. Could come in useful. I especially like the truly evil shade of blue of the wild berry.

5- Mountain Dew Livewire


Mountain Dew Livewire is a tough one for me personally. I'm naturally drawn to it, because it's the orange variety of MD, and I love orange juice in all it's varieties. However deep down in my heart I know that whenever i'm stumping for an orange soda, i'm picking Minute Maid Orange Soda every time, because that truly is what God intended to be made when he invented, y'know, fizz. So Livewire makes a slightly disappointing 5th place, but that isn't to suggest i'm not totally stoked about supping the good stuff again.

4- Mountain Dew Voltage


Now we're talking! Here is where our chart gets interesting... Voltage is the winner of last year's 'People's Dew' contest, DEWmocracy. It was made an official full time member of the crew in December, after beating out stiff competition from Supernova (strawberry, melon, lime and ginseng) and Revolution (wild berry with ginseng). Voltage is Raspberry Citrus and ginseng flavour. The people of America get two thumbs up for this decision, because we all know that raspberry is one of the best flavors for anything. I'm really excited I get to sample this bad boy. Go Voltage!

3- Mountain Dew: Code Red


Ah Code Red, how I adore you. It's cherry flavor, and although like I said raspberry is one of the best flavors, CHERRY IS KING. Cherry is mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Code Red is solid gold, it really is, and may well be my drink of choice for my Last Meal. Really, truly delicious, and like I said, a great mixer for an alcoholic yum yum.

2- Mountain Dew Baja Blast


Holy Cat things are getting exciting at the top! When creating Baja Blast it seems the Mountain Dew flavor makers climbed inside my brain, asked what exact recipe i'd desire most from an MD on my long hot drives across the desert this summer, and pumped it out. Tropical Lime and Pineapple flavored Mountain Dew. Can you think of anything which could even come close to this in terms of tastebud sensation and thirst-quenching power? Because I absolutely cannot.

One catch. And I cannot believe this catch. It's only available at Taco FREAKING Bell. WHAT?! I guess i'll be eating a lot more tacos with Lava Sauce than I planned to this summer. The things we men must endure...

So yes, without further ado...

1- Mountain Dew Cherry Rush

I have to apologize here guys, I cannot, depsite my mad hacking skillz, find a picture of MD Cherry Rush. I assume because like Baja Blast, it's only available at one goddamned fast food outlet, in this instance, Wienerschnitzel, which turns out to be focused on the art of fast hot dogs. Add this one onto the list of fast food outlets to be visited this summer, because I simply HAVE to get my greasy paws onto a supersize Cherry Rush. Apparently, not content with the incredible Code Red, the wonderful American people demanded a new Mountain Dew with even more cherry taste. I'll be honest, i'll have to see it before I truly believe it, but if it does indeed exist, boy oh boy, game on, etc. etc. A more heavily cherry flavored Mountain Dew. If that isn't worthy of the top spot, then nothing is.

I promise to document each Mountain Dew experience this summer extensively. Wearing my Mountain Dew t shirt if possible.

Until next time...

* stick WoW funeral into youtube and laugh for a long time, then feel guilty by association.

Thursday 4 June 2009

Spiralbound Baby


Those of you who don't know him, Scottish Stevie is a pretty annoying guy in person. Too much Stevie could be really grating on this trip, and when Glen buys a gun in Walmart it's probably best not to be pissing him off. Fortunately Stevie can be distracted by one of two things:

1) Tits
2) Maps

I'm still working on the first one but the second one is sorted. And just like chebs, Steve has always been of the attitude: "the bigger, the better, eh."

*That's a real adult sized hand, not Stevie's - for those of you who don't know him, Scottish Stevie has freakishly small hands.

25 days...

Wednesday 3 June 2009

Don't gimme that! Don't even gimme that! You busted!

Imagine, if you will, four white dudes cruising any highway, in a bad ass Landrover...

Now, add this song to your imaginary picture.



You have successfully pictured Fast Food Tour '09.

26 days until tour.

OH BABY YOU! YOU GOT WHAT I NEEEEED! BUT YOU SAY HE'S JUST A FRIEND! BUT YOU SAY HE'S JUST A FRIEND!

EDIT: Unfuckingbelieveable. I found this video on youtube today, 13 years or something after the song was released. I love this damned song, and finding it on youtube was a great moment for me and for the Tour. Obviously the tab it was open in was loaded a while back and i've just been listening to it on repeat for... well, a lot of times. I publish this post, click the link... Video Removed Due To Copyright Claims. What the fuck is with that?! Today of all days... man i'm mad. Fortunately, the above video is available which is the song, with some douchebags on skis or something. I dunno, I don't care. Just enjoy the song for what it is. The single greatest song of our time.

2nd Edit: Whoever WMG are, i'm gonna send nasty things to them in an envelope. Why won't they leave the song be? The replacement unfortunately is just a 30 sec snippet of the song from a Heineken ad, but it is one of the best ads ever so better than nothing.

WMG- Watch your backs.

Monday 1 June 2009

Ditka's Here We Come



After much grand douchery it is finally official: FastFoodTour'09 have somewhere to reside for two days of babes, beers and deep pan pie. Michael can almost grasp that Cutler jersey. As for Steve, he can almost taste that "Fridge" burger.

29 days...